Mitchell Apartments

It's quite easy to see that the unresponsive, incompetent, and condescending new management company, 23rd Avenue Properties, pairs well with this leaning, cracking, poorly-maintained...

It's quite easy to see that the unresponsive, incompetent, and condescending new management company, 23rd Avenue Properties, pairs well with this leaning, cracking, poorly-maintained architectural calamity. As you tread the superannuated carpeting and try to maintain balance on the sloping and uneven floors, gaze in wonder at the way the incandescent rays of the ancient ceiling fixtures(when working) cast in the dust and cobwebs gathering in your new & musty common areas, and soak in the rich historical slap in the face that only 100 years of careless slumlord money-grab remodels can bestow. Admire dry walling and aggressive subdividing that looks as if it were performed by whoever would agree to take booze from the bars downstairs as payment in place of cash, and watch as the real spiderwebs mingle with the ridiculous snarl that is the "cable management" of various wires -- more disused than not -- hastily stuck-on post-electrification. Before you begin to finagle open your unsubstantial old doorknob that looks and feels about as historic as the complex, take a moment and admire the preview of your unit that incomprehensibly poor door-hanging skills can provide, since you're already able to see wedges of your unit through the door. These signature Mitchell breezeways not only prove useful for tenants who love the feeling of their neighbors' pet hair being sucked into the apartment through the drafty 80's windows and cracking floorboards, but also serve as a crucial point of ingress/egress for the thriving populations of various vermin; from the birds in the attic, rats in the walls, to the brazen broods of mice you find exploring your kitchen. Also, thanks to the same ample airflow, you'll never be short of fossil fuel and heavy-metal-laden particulate blown in from the busy street below -- how else would you simultaneously exponentially increase your own daily carcinogen exposure and also keep the thick, drippy coats of bargain-bin paint so constantly black and gritty? The Mitchell & 23rd truly furnish every last nuance of Fight Club-esque living. Revel in the feeling of maintenance requests being ignored and random people with key access walking into your apartment by mistake -- be assured that regular rent increases will continue to help 23rd put the absolutely-bare-ass minimum amount of effort into skirting condemnation by the city. Welcome to the Mitchell.